For awhile I have wanted to put together a guide on how music educators and music curriculum designers can do maximum damage to a kid's ability to enjoy, and get ahead with, music. I have decided to put it here. Just for you. This is the guide that you have been crying out for. I won't let you down. We are going to do MAXIMUM damage to a kid's musical learning folks! It is our MISSION to deprive this kid of music for the next TWENTY YEARS! W e are going for the whole hamburger here. We ain't going smallball here baby. But enough chit chat. Let's get to work.
Step 1: We will give the kid when they are 12/13 everything that they could musically need. What? i HEAR YOU SAY - Are you nuts? Why not just deprive the kid of teachers, instruments and everything. But my friends, there is I assure you cunning in my method. You will see.
Step 2: Test out the kid for the school choir. Don't tell them that they are going to the music teacher's office for this reason. Test every kid. The first message is now set in the kid's mind:
THIS MUSIC THING IS FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE SCHOOL AND THEIR CHOIR AND THEIR PR - IT'S NOT FOR MY BENEFIT.
Excellent. This is a huge step in wrecking music for the kid for the next 20 to 30 years. Or even for life! Oh wow baby we are going' big time wreckage here! But we need more. We ain't finished yet.
Step 3: Have each music class have compulsory singing at the start. Don't give the kid any help. Don't for instance ask him or her to sing notes from a piano. Nope.Just say darkly: you are warbling!
Message: IF YOU CAN'T SING IT'S THE END OF MUSIC FOR YOU. GOODBYE! GOOD RIDDANCE! SEE YA!
Step 4: Now we come to the cunning bit. I said earlier that offering instruments, teachers etc would harm the kid. Why? GUILT!!!! The kid thinks:
I AM NOT GETTING ANYWHERE WITH ALL THESE GOODIES. IT IS MY FAULT! I FEEL GUILTY!!!!!
Step 5: Every period leaves the instruments in the cupboard. Hands on? ha ha ha. C an't have that! You want hands on? You gotta get an after school private music teacher to touch those precious instruments!
Step 6: Absolutely no communication with the student. The student is frightened that if they touch an instrument that they will drop it/bend it and get kicked in the teeth for it. The student can't make any sense of the whole music thing - do I have to play an instrument to continue on next year? Or what?
IF YOU DON'T TALK ABOUT WHAT THE STUDENT NEEDS THEY WILL MAKE UP THEIR OWN MINDS IN THEIR HEADS AND IT'S BYE BYE MUSIC AGED 13. NO MORE MUSIC FOR YOU.
This is a brief guide. It is only a few of the techniques for ruining music that are out there.
MUSIC! ONLY FOR THE ELITE!
NO COMMUNICATION! JUST SIT BACK AND SABOTAGE LIKE HELL BABY!