With the economy in shambles, and everyone trying to scramble to "take cover" from the job loss and the uncertainly of the future, I begin to wonder if I'm in the right place at the right time. By this I'm meaning being a music major. I keep looking for a prgram that will give me the better hand in composition, even though I fail to realise that I'm already there. Yes, it could be enough that I'm studying techniques of classical and 20th century composition, but at the same time, I feel there is a great deal missing: the mountains of lyrics that I have composed and put to music in the mind as well as some which are imputed partially in finale--when will I be able to use those? Will they sit in this duffel bag forever? Will I be able to achieve the goal of grad school and becoming a professor of composition and theory even with the songs missing from the picture in my life? I'm at the point in the journey where I don't honestly know where I'm going and it scares me to a point where I don't even want to compose anymore. I want these to be musical masterpieces, not stuff that is just left behind. I won't tolerate that. The same with the songs that aren't meant as choral pieces--they need to count for more than just published poetry. I just don't know when the right time will be for them' nor do I know who to get in touch with. I feel that I'm always enrolling in the wrong programs for what my heart wants to do, yet I enjoy and absorb so many influences. There's a deeeper passion though with the songs. I watch so many concerts on you tube that I'm lulled into believing that I can publish my songs and everything would be fine, or that I could go onto being a performer of my own write. Yet again, on the opposite side, I feel as if all of these performers and composers are just enigmas and legends by the same standards and that no one could ever top them. So, I write most of my stuff out of depression and uncertainty. There's just no clear line, because I'm heading into a very uncertain field. Though it is not money which I'm seeking. I just would like the opportunity to get these works off the ground, out of hiding, and performed, commissioned, published, etc.