Depression - too much to do, not enough time to do it, sidetracked by focusing on technology...

[Chris Alpiar]

Well the title says it all.

I am kind of bummed out, overwhelmed by the immensity of the tasks I want to accomplish in life. I want to write intense orchestral music on the level of Stravinsky; I want to master the saxophone on a level like Coltrane did; I want to put out large Jazz ensemble charts that are on the level of Duke Ellington; I want to make rich pop songs that sett the soul at ease on the level of James Taylor, John Lennon, Elton John. And instead I write some mediocre junk because im in such a hurry to make money, to make good business with my music. So I spend so much time being a businessman and being a technologist. Every time I get ready to blow off the world and dig in on a big endeavor, one of my computers dies and I spend a week troubleshooting and rebuilding, buying hardware, installing, etc, and then Im lost once more. I wish I could just blow up the whole studio some times and just go back to writing with pencil and paper and a piano, but there are no more, or so very few, scenarios to have music played live on a high level... AhhhhhhhhHHHHhhHHHhhhH

Its a vicious circle, sometimes I truly feel like sisyphus...

[Doug Lauber]

Aim high Chris.

Meditation is great- I've benefited a lot from it over the years. Honest criticism has also been helpful. Just remember to always consider the source... ..and remain positive, moving forward with optimism.

[David Reynolds]

I hear you Chris i really do. Keeping perspective, prioritising and being continually self motivated for me is a constant challenge. As the years progress goals i have set professionally combined with my personal responsibilities, mean i have to constantly reshape and rebalance aspects of my life. Keeping it together is sometimes easier said than done i suppose :)

[Doug Lauber]

Chris- no fkng way! Live performances rule. I just want to create some excellent supporting tracks for when you add your sax... I am committed to completing my first album, with your help. :)

[Chris Alpiar]

just as long as you dont decide you no longer need us live players once you got the swing of your instruments Doug!! ;-)

[Doug Lauber]

Recently I have felt the same way- overburdened by the technical stuff. I'm learning to work with virtual instruments/Kontakt 4, etc. in Sonar 8.5. It's not exactly an intuitive process. It requires the adjustment of many parameters. I guess once I get into habit patterns, I'll be able to concentrate more on The Music...

[Doug Lauber]

Sisyphus is highly contagious. Careful. I think I've got it, if it means placing too much on my own shoulders. It's a self-imposed burden, powered by creative excitement. Our brains know about the many creative possibilities. It's tough to eliminate many of those choices. So we juggle a dozen heavy tasks. I've learned that I can only do a few tasks at a time. I'm happier. There's less pressure. After a decade or two, some of the same tasks become quicker and easier. Anyway, I can relate to the pushing of the rock up the hill. I know how that feels. Life is difficult, but there can be creative rewards and the process can be fun. Hang in there.

[Simon Godden]

In that vein, I would imagine Radiohead are the ones to envy. They write and release whatever they want (they even release their music in whichever way they want, and make good money).

However, there is a catch. Their music is extremely good.

[Russell Jalland]

Maybe this is what being in your 40s is for every artistic person...
I think you’re right Chris, I turned to needing a warm bed after all those nights humping bass bins around, drafty nights in vans schlepping around the country, sleeping in damp rooms with five pairs of other guys socks for company. There were obviously the occasional exceptions to this…
But I think you hit the nail on the head when you talk about balance. My Grandad (Bless his curled up toes) once said to me “Get yourself a trade lad” and you’ll never starve. He meant real work obviously… ☺ not music. I use to throw in cables for a month at a time on contract to buy myself time out of the rat race, it worked. I didn’t have to tour the clubs playing Blanket on the Ground or Yellow River. Not sure how things are for you, but over here and where I live, there was no possibility of playing anything remotely eclectic and being commercially successful. Times have changed a little these days, but back then it was always too much compromise to earn a living as a musician, and I don’t have the patience to teach.
I found it less painful to do the graft, it kept my heart clear of the crap, and I got to play Jazz Fusion or Transylvanian stomp.
But even today, (and I love what I do for a living), balance is the key. Too far either way and it still hurts…

[Chris Alpiar]

I hear ya Russell. as an avant garde/ free jazz saxophonist I could only maintain that kind of integrity for so many years. I lived many years playing only what I called "real jazz" and living like a gypsy, owing everyone in NYC at least 5 bucks lol. It was a fun trip and I was being honest and truthful and my soul was at ease. However I got really sick of evictions and phone and power turn offs and borrowing from people and etc. I had a great time playing in the street for change but that only works when its warm and sunny. And so getting into writing for media was my way of compromising. I felt well I can be at least a bit commercial and not lose sleep about it. And I have found a lot about myself and my 'true music' as a result. I am not playing a lot more lyrically and thoughtfully where I used to be very aggressively stream of consciousness. So its a trap I devised for myself, thinking I could satiate myself with writing and then go play gigs of music that I wanted to. And its true, and I have managed to keep the bills paid, and get more and more "stuff" (Carlin comes to mind here) and feel like a successful person.

But to keep my practice off the ground, I find myself pulled in all directions I dont want to be and are not what I am on this planet for. I have more freedom than probably 95% of the people out there but my intonation to the universe forces a realization of my slavery upon me. And therefore I struggle since I do not want to be a slave yet I want to participate in society. Im not a rasta able to live on the beach, and I like people and the city. So finding a balance is a hard thing: ability to creatively make enough money to stay a participant and at the same time keep enough time and energy to make the creative endeavors my soul is screaming to get out and share with the universe. Maybe this is what being in your 40s is for every artistic person...

[Russell Jalland]

Hi Chris,
I truly empathise with you mate. I took the decision many years ago that I couldn’t earn my living from selling something I loved so much. The price (for me) was too high.
I decided to make my money elsewhere, and buy as much freedom as I could to make the music I wanted to make. I signed on for a life of artistic freedom and playing with guys I found stimulating and exciting, I was poor, but I rode that Comets tail for a good many years. Now at 52, looking back, I don’t regret a thing. On the contrary, I’ve lived a full artistic life, and all the fun that went with it, and nothing money could buy could compare to the glow of that inside me. I now work at buying that freedom for my old age, but on my own terms, using the creative skills I learned from all that fun.
I think you just have to believe, keep good karma, and life has a knack of finding you a way to be honest with yourself.