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The moment I read this poem I had the melody.

But need suggestions on all fronts.

Is the piano part OK (I don't play BTW).

I would have liked to use the German but my German not good enough to slice up the lines as I have done with the translations.

Would like to use "thee" instead of "you" but would end up with "thy" and "thou" all over the place.

End is lacking I think.

Need a better word than "detached" but can't find one.

Help gratefully accepted.

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Hi H. S, this song looks lovely, and the piano part looks alright.  However, the piano is in a very similar register than the voice, and it could be good to move up an octave at times.  Rolled chords in the upper register (maybe even higher) could work really nicely too.  

Is there any sort of texture you're specifically looking for in the piano/voice interaction?  It looks like the texture remains pretty much the same throughout.  The vocal melody is lovely though.  

Michael,

This is soooooooooo beautiful! By golly, what a wonderful melody and such a perfect match to the poem!...

I'm very impressed!

I couldn't find the word "detached" anywhere in the text file.

I think the piano part looks fine.

I will try to think about the ending later, with more time.

Mariza

Oh, I see now.  "Detached" is in the score.  You adapted the poem from your initial translation.

Frederick.

I will take you up on that.

Just had a look at the original German too but I like this translation.

I started working on "Herbst" (very different poem) but got stuck and have put it aside.

Not at all.

I like this one "immensely" .

Just like to go back to the original to have  a look.

The melody is lovely.

I feel - though this could be a result of the MIDI sounds - that the piano is sometimes a little 'busy' so that it intrudes over the melody too much, almost overwhelming it. Also, I think the ending is weaker than it should be because of the major chord. I would leave it as minor and put maybe 4 bars of piano to finish the song off. It feels a little abrupt as it stands.

I think your translation is excellent.

Thanks for your comments, Mike.

Yes I am not that happy with the ending and thought it needed an extension to the piano part at the end. Somewhat like its companion piece.

I wanted to make the piano part interesting, understand your comment but I think a good accompanist will not overwhelm a "manly" tenor voice.

Finally got around to this. Wow, this is a very nice melody. Very well suited for the lyrics, IMO.

I think the piano part needs work, though. What you have currently is workable, but I'd think about some variations after the first full sentence or so. Maybe break up some of the chords into arpeggios (but not too elaborate, in order not to spoil the mood). The current part is also simple enough that a skilled pianist should be able to play a lot of it on one hand, so you could consider freeing up the RH this way in some places so that it can play additional ornamentary notes, over the melody. And maybe consider expanding the range of the piano notes as well -- a deep, low note in a few strategic places could do a lot to enhance the mood.

At climactic points, I'd consider a multi-octave arpeggio as a kind of "flourish" for emphasis.

In m.12, for some reason my ear keeps telling me the cadence should be in C major, matching the intensity of the crescendo in the melody, before melting back into minor key. But that's just my probably highly-biased opinion...

The ending I think should be an arpeggio instead of a block chord. Maybe with a D-B-C# twirl at the end, in (stereo)typical pianistic style, for the final ending. With held pedal notes in the bass (probably an octave in A) in LH.

Hope this gives you some ideas.

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